View Full Version : [en]Short jokes
Georgian toast:
Suliko and Shota fell in love and got married. Soon after Shota discovered he had to leave on a business trip. "Don`t worry", he said to his young wife. "I`ll be back in three days". Three days passed, then three times 3, 10 times three - and still, no Shota.
Suliko got anxious and sent telegrams to 10 reliable friends in 10 different cities. Immediately she received the same answer from all 10 friends:
- Don`t worry, Shota is at our place.
So, lets drink to the true friends, who would never let us down when we are in trouble.
Drinking jokes!!!
Bad habit to drink vodka in the evening produces a very good habit to drink mineral water in the morning ;-)
- Not long ago, I read that some disease, do not remember what, can be healed only with vodka!
- Oh God!!! Where can I catch it?????
-"Hey mister! This is a public phone. You`ve been on it for half an hour and haven`t said a word."
-"Leave me alone, kid - I`m speaking with my wife."
______________________________________________
- I don`t want to marry someone as greedy as you. Take your ring back.
- Okay. Uh, where`s the case?
______________________________________________
- Do you know who Abraham Lincoln was?
- No.
- And who Moshe Dayan was?
- No.
- See, you don`t know, but I do. It is because every evening I take classes or go to the museum.
- Well, and do you know who Vasily Ivanov is?
- No. Who is he?
- He`s the guy who visits your wife every evening when you are in class or at the museum.
_______________
- I`ve always had problems taking a woman to my place.
Earlier because of my parents and now because of my wife.
http://humor.rin.ru/pictures_e/671.jpg
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Blonde License
Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?
Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.
Humor within the thread. I found very funny the following two posts in succession. And what actually makes it funny is included in the second poster's signature!:D
Originally posted by Kdar
In a flea market, a woman saw a man who was selling a mosquito in a jar. On the jar, she read, "A replacement for a man."
"How shall I use it?" the woman asked.
"You open the jar, and he'll know what to do. Just in case, here is my phone number."
At home, the woman undressed, opened the jar and went to bed. The mosquito flew to the ceiling and stayed there. The woman waited for a while, and then dialed the man's number. The man arrived and said to the mosquito, "You lazy lout, watch one more time, it's the last time I am showing you how to do it."
Originally posted by Arjenvs
The last one was very good!!!
First line from Arjenvs signature
__________________
Can´t wait for the demo......
Would be a very interesting demo!
:D
Originally posted by Cork2
Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Very good one:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Originally posted by Dobber
Humor within the thread. I found very funny the following two posts in succession. And what actually makes it funny is included in the second poster's signature!:D
Would be a very interesting demo!
:D
:D :cheers:
Originally posted by Kdar
Very good one:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Thx, glad you like it. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: I like your too.
more great georgian toast good for partys
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
A real man is the one who (always) remembers a woman's birthday, but never how old she is.
But the man who never remembers her birthday, while never forgetting her age: that is a real husband!
So, let us drink to real men!
_________________
A young woman married a well-to-do old man. As she lay in bed by herself she thought, "I will take myself three lovers, and live a long..." At that moment, there was a knock on the door and into the room shuffled her old husband in nightshirt and cap. He bleated in a goatish tenor, "I have come to fulfill my marital obligation!"
"Well, ok", she said. "Do it." He did and left. The young woman thought to herself, "No, perhaps three is too many. I'll take two lovwrs, in addition to my husband". Again there came a knock on the door and the old man shuffled in his slippers. "Ihave come to fulfill my material obligation!"
Surprised, she said, "Well, ok, then". He did his duty and left. "Hmmm", she thought. "Maybe just one lover will be enough." Again came a knock on the door. "Come in!", she shouted. "I have come to fulfill my Marital obligation!" "Do it, since you have come!"
When she was alone again, she reflected to herself. "How will I be able to have any lovers when my husband is at me all night!" Again a knock on the door. "I have come to fulfill my..." She cried, "How many times can you have me in one night?! I can't do it anymore!
"What?", the old man said. "Have I already done my duty?" And he struck himself on the forehead with vexation.
So let us drink in hopes that medicine will never find the cure for sclerosis!
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
Blonde and the Bottle Cap
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Blonde in Your Fridge
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Blonderrific Hair!
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
Bad Day Blondie
How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Blonde and House
Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?
A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.
more gerogian toast!!!
more drinking yea
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
In the jungle lived a pack of wolves. The leader of the pack was already old and very experienced. Once, when the pack got ready to hunt, the old wolf said that he was not in a condition to lead this time. A young and strong wolf came to him and asked to lead the pack. The old wolf agreed. Not long after, the pack returned with prey. The young wolf told the old one how they had come upon seven hunters and easily torn them to pieces.
The time to hunt again soon came. And again the young wolf led the pack. They were gone a long time, and then the young wolf appeared covered with blood. He told the lead how the pack had come upon three hunters, and of the entire pack only he survived. The old leader asked, "On the first hunt, the pack handled seven hunters and even returned with prey. What happened this time?"
The young wolf replied, "That time we came upon seven hunters, but this time it was three best friends."
Let us drink to friendship!
_____________________
Once there was a young man who was his parent's only child. His life was happy and full of good times. When his friends came, the table would groan under the weight of food and drink. He met a beautiful girl and decided marry her. His father said to him, "we will invite all your friends". His son agreed.
Finally, the wonderful day of the wedding arrived. But no friends came. Not understanding why, the man asked his father what had happened and had the invitations been sent to his friends. His father replied, "I sent invitations to all your friends, but with the wedding announcements I also asked each to help you. And you can see the result."
So, let us drink to the friends who always come to help us!
_________________
A tiny sparrow sat on the road, freezing in the bitter cold. Along came a cow, who swung her tail and dropped her warm **** on the poor bird. Sitting up to his neck in ****, the sparrow warmed up nicely and began to chirp with joy. A passing cat heard him singing, and seized and ate him...
So, friends, we drink and remember that not everyone is an enemy who ****s on you, nor a friend who gets you out. And if you get into the ****, just sit and be quiet!
__________
A donkey was crossing the desert. One day, two days, three, a week ... how terrible was the heat! Suddenly, he saw two large kegs. One was full of water, the other of vodka. From which keg do you think he drank? Of course, the water!
So let's not be donkeys, and, drink vodka!
very funny joke :D :D :D :D
One Georgian guy got kicked out of the Art Club. His friend goes to visit him to pay pity: My friend! What has happened? Why did they kick you out?! What did you draw? Well-answers the other Georgian - I drew a picture called "Motherhood". Well-asks his friend-so what was wrong with it! Sounds like a good topic to me! You know-answers the other-Imagine! On the picture there was a beautiful nature, huge wheat field…I drew this beautiful, voluptuous naked woman and a boy ****ing her sensuous breast! The other Georgian surprised asks his friend: So why the hell did they kick you out? What did you do wrong! The other replies: Well they have decided that I made the boy too oversized!
Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Tiff With Riley
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
A certain Georgian goes to a newspaper headquarters to write a note about the death of his wife! When he gets there he asks about the fee per each word! It turns out that service charges 5 bucks per word. With sad face the guy pulls out a ten-dollar bill and tells a clerk to write two words: Tamara died!" and left the room. Redactor saw a sad face on the man and decided to grant him 5 or 6 extra words for free. Next thing, a happy Georgian guy comes flying into the room to thank the director: Thank you my dear friend! Can you just add to the first two words that I am also selling my car (Zhigyli) and it is in a great condition and looks brand new!
One Soviet comrade was driving through a mountainous road! A Georgian military policeman stops him and says: -Hey, you were driving fast, I need you to write a self-explanatory note! The Soviet replies-what do you mean by the note? Georgian replies: Well you have to write a note and in Georgian language! The Soviet surprisingly looks at the policeman and says: I do not know Georgian language, for I cannot write that note! Policeman insisted: Well write the way you know then! The Soviet thought for a moment and then took out a dollar bill and put it in his driver's license and gave it to the policeman! When a Georgian policeman opened the documents, he smiled and happily replied: And you were saying that you don't know Georgian! You have already written half of your explanatory note!
A policeman stops one Georgian driving in Volga car! - Can I have your drives license please! - Here you go, sir-replies the driver! Policeman looks at the license and replies: Do you know that this license is for driving an airplane TY154? The Georgian replied- Well, what the hell do you want from me? I bought the license that was available to be bought!
The Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
What Is Politics?
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****.
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood****ing creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
vBulletin v3.5.4, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.