View Full Version : [en]Short jokes
Lord Nicko
02-12-2003, 23:57
Hey!, anyone got any funny but short Jokes-
I'll start:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
and one more..
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
:cheers:
Originally posted by Lord Nicko
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
:cheers:
DAMN, I'M AN IDIOT!!!! Yes Yes, i read it:rolleyes: :eek: .
Okay OKay i think i got one
How can 3 Friends keep a secret?
If 2 of the mare Dead. HAHAHAHAHAHA i crack myself up. :bday: :D :cheers:
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
Lord Nicko
03-12-2003, 11:17
:D
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin!
Ooopsies
How can you tell a blond has been working at a computer?
There is white out all over the screen.
Upside Down Blonde
What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.
Pre-Paid Plan
A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No!"
The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Poor Couple
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
:hello:
Don't Eat the Brown Ones
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
:hello: :hello:
Blonde and a Pig
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?''
The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''
:hello: :hello: :hello: :D
:angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry:
after all those blondes jokes.... more blondes jokes :D ...
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos-- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
more fun if you get bored...:D
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
A Irish one
Two Irish men was out fishing in there small boat.
The day went and as the sun was going down they desided to turn back home.
They tried to turn on the engine only to discover they were out of gas.
As they couldent get back to shore they sat down and drift away with the curent.
The days passed the two men was getting more and more hungry and thirsty.
Suddenely one of the men discovered a bottel with it's cork on floating around in the waves.
Ale ale was all he could think of and hope for was in the bottel.
They picked up the bottel and took of the cork.
Out poped a geni.
The geni thanked the two men for freeing it and offered them 1 wish.
The first Irish man quickely said.
I wish the ocean would be turned into ale.
And not a second before he had said this, the ocean was filled with the sweates black ale ever tasted in the world.
Idiot the second man said
Now we have to piss in ouer boeat.
:cheers:
Little Bobby asks his teacher: "Can I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"
His teacher says "Of course not, that is ridiculous. You should never get in trouble for something you didn't do."
Bobby replies: "That's good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: When I say "I have went" what's wrong with this sentence?
Johnny: It's wrong because you ain't went yet.
---
Pianist: What did the sign outside the music shop say?
Violinist: Gone Chopin, Bach in minuet.
---
Blonde (after the theatre): But, dear, what did you object to?
Husband: Why, the idea of you shouting "Author! Author!" at a Ahakespearian drama.
---
Wife: I'm sorry about the way the pie tastes, darling. It must be something I left out.
Husband: Nothing you left out could make it taste like that. It must be something you put in.
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Lord Nicko
09-12-2003, 07:31
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out of the undies. :D
hi all,
anegdots about dancer?!?
What prevent the bad (male) dancer to be a good dancer?----------testicle
:D :D
Well these aren't really jokes. They really happend and i found them at the darwin awards.
(29 January 2003, Brazil) At work, Manoel Messias Batista Coelho was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks. He had been employed in that capacity for two months when he ran afoul of fuel.
The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapor out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker.
A resourceful employee, Manoel forgot the very reason why he was filling the tank with water when he lit a cigarette lighter to shed some light on the situation. His little test successfully determined that the water level was NOT yet high enough for safety. The vapor explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away.
Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain. Our witless car washer had learned his terminal lesson in safety by the time the firemen arrived.
(12 February 2003) Three men wielding knives tried to rob a slaughterhouse. But when it comes to hand to hand combat with sharp blades, butchers working in a slaughterhouse are more than a match for your average thief. They stabbed two of the intruders to death. The third man escaped from the angry butchers and fled in his car.
Police soon spotted him, and after a brief car chase, the would-be thief pulled over and leapt from his vehicle. But instead of fleeing into the underbrush, he tried to dodge heavy traffic and escape across the highway. Perhaps he thought that threatening butchers with knives was not a sufficient demonstration of his intelligence.
Within seconds, the natural justice system meted out his punishment in the form of a large truck, which struck and killed him.
I thought these were pretty funny. If you want to read more then go here http://www.darwinawards.com/index.html
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
hi again!
Husband comes home from work really tired, and pissed off and all he wants to do is nag at his wife, but he can't because the house is clean, dinner is ready. So he tells her "Sara, come here!". She comes up to him and he says,
"See that lamp?".
She says, "Yes".
He then says, "Turn it on."
She turns it on. Then he says, "Turn it off."
So does. Then he says, "On off on off on off on off. ***** who the f*** are you signaling!"
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