[en]Jokes of any length!

[Redback]

A man goes into a lawyers office and says,
"I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer,and McDonalds for making them fat."

The Lawyer says,"Yes ,that's true."

The man says,"Well ,I'm interested in suing too."

The Lawyer asks,"Okay ,McDonalds ,or the tobacco companies?."

The man says,
"Neither,I'm suing the Beer Breweries and Jim Bean for all the ugly people I've slept with.":cheers:

[Dobber]

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "it's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

[Dobber]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

[Dobber]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink,
a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV,
I think about women. I even
think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[Largefry07]

"For you international folks a redneck is hard to describe but you just know one if you see one."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[Alex Poff]

Did I mention that just last week I got back from the International Poetry contest?

It works like this:

Contestants are placed in sound-proof booths. They come out individually and are given a single word and sixty seconds to come up with a short poem containing the word. The best poem wins.

In the finals, it came down to a preppie from Princeton and a redneck from Southwest A&M.

The preppie went first. When he stepped out of his booth, he was presented with the word "Timbuktu". He struck a thoughtful pose, rubbed his chin, and after 20 seconds came up with this poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked the dusty caravan.
Row by row and two by two,
destination: Timbuktu."

Well, the place went nuts! How could the redneck from Southwest A&M top that?

Well, the redneck came out of his booth and was presented with the same word. The auditorium was deathly silent. The lad scratched his head, scratched his arse and picked his nose. Time was running out and you could literally feel the tension in the air. 58 seconds had passed when the redneck came up with this:

"Me and Tim a-huntin' went,
Met three whores with a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
so I bucked one and Timbuktu!"

[the knightly sword]

this one of our swedish famous bellman stories .

there was a bellman a russian and a german . they all made a deal the first how reached america`s coast is the winner and a true a sportsman. first out was he german he swimmed 1km and drowned .second come russian he swimmed 1mile and then drowned . and know it was bellman turn and he swam and swam until he almost reached the coast but he got tired and swam back .

[Dobber]

And this thread should be used for any jokes that are not short jokes.

[Largefry07]

Bank of Canada Joke!

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[Dobber]

A couple had only been married for 2 weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back!".

"Where you going Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face, I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different brands of beer. brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc..

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop..... but at the bar.... you know.... they have frozen glasses...."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale, said "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?".

"You want hor d'eouvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'eouvres - chicken wings, pigs in blanket, mushroom caps, cheese sticks, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.... at the bar.... you know.... there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?.... "Listen up Dickhead! Sit down, shut the hell up, drink your damn beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your f***ing hors d'eouvres because your married as* isn't going to a f****ing bar! That sh*t is over.... Got it, Asshole?"

....and they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[Angryminer]

Great! :biggrin:

Angryminer

[RobinBanks]

This afternoon, a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery a few miles north of where I live. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[Mircoslavux]

Talk between a man and a woman
W: So what?
M: So nothing?
W: So get out!
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Largefry07]

A Little Johnny Joke

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[NaVatar]

Good one :biggrin:

[Traveller]

Here are some Bulgarian jokes from the region of Gabrovo*:

* Note: The people from Gabrovo are famous with their parsimony. There's even a saying that they cut the tales of their cats, so that in winter time they could close the doors after them quicker and the room heat won't run away. Of course, this is just a saying, but...


A cure
In order to receive a free advice, a Gabrovo-man asks a fellow doctor on the street:
- Doctor, what do you do when you have a flu?
- I sneeze - replied the doctor, who was also from Gabrovo.

Between Gabrovo people
- Where's your wedding ring?
- This week it's my wife's turn to wear it.

He lied them
A Gabrovo-man stopped at a cheap hotel. During the night he got pestered by bed-bugs. He stood up, lighted the lamo, opened the door, after that he closed it loudly and went back to bed.
To the questioning looks of his fellow room-mate he answered:
- I'm lying the bed-bugs that I went out.

If it works
A Gabrovo-man had to repair his door, so he sent his little son to ask for the neighbour's adze. The kid soon came back - the neighbour lied him they have none.
- Leave this miser - imperturbably said the father. - Go bring ours from the basement.

He conformed
- What are you waiting out on the street in this cold?
- Oh, leave it. I dropped and broke the bottle with the rakia (strong alcoholic concentrate). Now I'm waiting for it to freeze, so that I could take it back home.

First lessons
A father bought new shoes to his son. At evening they went to visit some relatives. On the way the father asked:
- Are you with the new shoes, son?
- Yes, dad.
- Then walk with wider steps! - the father advised him.

In the age of the napoleons (kind of money)
In a late evening a Gabrovo-man arrived at the Sofia station. He called a phaeton/cab and said only:
- Go!
- I'll fleece him - the cabman thought, - he doesn't bargain.
When they got near, the Gabrovo-man shouted:
- Stop, because the trouble happened!
He went out and started to search his pockets:
- And I did some great job... my napoleon rolled down somewhere near the seat of the phaeton.
The cabby immediately whipped the horses and the flew away.
The Gabrovo-man smiled and turned around the corner.

Telegram
A Gabrovo-man has gone away to do business. He sold all his stock and decided to telegraph his wife:
"I sold the stock with a good profit. I'm coming back in Gabrovo friday evening. Yours Dimitar"
He thought the telegram is somewhat long and said to himself:
- Mara knows me, that I always sell with a good profit. Why should I write her that!
He striked off the unnecessary line and from the telegram was left:
"I'm coming in Gabrovo friday night. Yours Dimitar"
He thought again that he's giving too much money.
- Of course I'm coming back in Gabrovo. And I'm not staying without work until Sunday and spend from what I've earned.
He striked off the beginning and on the telegram was left:
"Yours Dimitar"
- I'm hers, of course! Whose else would I be?! Why should I spend money to tell her that...
He teared the form in pieces and went out.

[Xuca]

:lol: :go:
We think the same about the people from the city of Pirot(which is near the Bulgarian border, so if Gabrovo is near, too... :wink: )

Man from Pirot is driving a car and drinking Rakija. He crashes and feels that he's wet. He says:"oh, God, please let it be blood!"

How do people in Pirot burry their dead?
They burry them to the waist, so they wouldn't have to pay for the tombstone.

A man visits his friend, who is from Pirot. He asks him:"Do you have something to drink?"
"No..."
And his wife says:"Don't lie, we have a full bottle of rakija!"
"Well, yes, but half is my father's."
Than the guest says:"Okay, than let's just drink your half."
"We can't, my father's half is on top."
"Than let us use some straws and drink from the bottom."
"No, my father won't let anybody pass through his part."

A man from Pirot and his son are on a fair. The son sees a merry go round and says:" Dad, I want to ride on the merry go round."
And the father says:"What for? The Earth goes round by itself!"

A man from Pirot checks a room in a hotel. A man shows him his room and says:"Half of the price of this room is this wonderfull view."
Than the man from Pirot says:"Than could I just pay half of the price, because I'm short-sighted?"

A man from Pirot and his son are first time riding on a plane. The pilot, a jokster, says to them that he won't charge them anything if they don't say a word during the flight. After many dangerous acrobatisms, they didn't say a word. The pilot landed and congradulated the man:"Good work, I haven't seen such a brave man in years!"
"Yes, and I almost shouted when my son fell out of the plane!"

[Traveller]

Haha, nice ones, especially the last one!
I have a whole booklet, called "Gabrovo jokes" and maybe I'll post some more tomorrow...

P.S. Oh, and btw - no, Gabrovo is in the centre of Bulgaria, not very close to Serbia.

[Traveller]

Ok, here's some more:

Deserved place
At the time, when they were constructing the statue of Racho the Blacksmith, the founder of Gabrovo, its creators proposed for originality to place the statue in the middle of the river Yantra. The idea was welcomed unexpectedly well.
- Good idea, boys, good idea - all of the city's notables nodded with approval. - Amidst the river the monument will take place, which we don't need anyway.

Upgrade
A man from Gabrovo bought a new car. At the payment he kept part of the sum as a guarantee. But three days hadn't passed and the seller received back the car's siren together with a note from the buyer's wife:
- I return to you the siren, because my husband after a few exercises learned to yell exactly the same way. Hold off its worth as the rest of the payment and close the account.

Second hand
A man from Gabrovo asked to put a tombstone on the grave of his mother-in-law.
- Do you have something nice, but cheaper?
- There is one, but there's already another name engraved on it.
- That doesn't matter. My departed mother-in-law didn't know how to read.

A newcomer
A newcomer in Sofia got used not to pay for cigarettes. As a stranger, he used the big city, asking the passer-by's for a smoke. And so that it doesn't look like begging, he used to offer them to pay 10 stotinki (cents; 100 stotinki = 1 lev) for the cigarette.
Of course, every passer-by refused to take the money, because of courtesy. But once at the Sofia station, the man, who gave him a cigarette, quite imperturbably took the offered 10 stotinki. The "clever" guy got so confused that he could say only:
- Where are you from?
- From Gabrovo! - the other said with dignity.

You know the day from the morning
A little boy from Gabrovo asks a gevrek seller(sesame ring; something like a donut, but baked and with sesame):
- Mister, how much does the hole of the gevrek cost?
- It costs nothing.
- Then give me a bigger hole with a gevrek around it.

Pack
A man from Gabrovo arrived in Sofia and got on the tram with a very big package.
- For you - three levs, for the package - six levs. - said the conductor.
Then the man unbound the pack and said:
- Get out, Pencho! They tax you higher as "package".

One is enough
- Do you have a picture of your twin boys?
- Yes, here it is.
- But that's only of one of them.
- The other one looks jist like him.

Family talks
- Penchev has been prescribed a strict diet.
- Then you could invite him for dinner.

A bet
Two people from Gabrovo took bets in a church who will put less money in the colection plate.
When the sexton passed by, the first one gave one stotinka (the smallest coin) and looked triumphantly at the other.
- This was for both of us! - the second one said humbly and crossed himself.

[Dobber]

There was a farmer in Alabama that bought a new mule. When he got the mule back to his farm, he realised the mules ears were to long to go into the barn without scraping the top of the door frame. Well this was a prize mule and he didn't want the mule to scrape and scar hiiiiiis ears so he got some jacks and started the process of raisng the barn to place it on blocks so the mule could enter safely.
A young graduate engineer from the Georgia Instititute of Technology(Georgia Tech) happened along and saw the struggling farmer. He approached the farmer and asked him what he was doing. After hearing the farmers explanation, he suggested the farmer dig a ditch through the doorway so the mule could walk through it and not hit his ears, further explaining the ditch would be much easier to dig than jacking up the barn all around. The farmer thanked him for his suggestion and the young engineer walked off down the road beaming fom ear to ear that he was able to use his engineering training to help someone.
After the engineer had left, the farmer looked at the mule and said , " What a lot he knows about mules, it's the ears that are to long not the legs!"