People's Republic of China
17-11-2006, 05:06
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
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NEW STORY
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"There is a disturbance in the Beltway," Karl Rove uttered ominously.
"What is it, Rover?" Bush asked as he practiced on a putting green in the Oval Office.
Karl Rove closed his eyes and tried to focus. "I can not tell yet, but it does not bode well."
"I once thought I had a premonition," Bush said as he prepared for a putt, "but it was just bad shellfish." The golf ball rolled right by the hole's edge. "Constarnit!"
* * * *
The Democrat debate for the presidential nomination raged on as usual.
"I hate Bush!"
"I hate Bush more!"
"I wish I had some policy ideas... but I'm too busy hating Bush!"
"We hate Bush too!" yelled the sympathetic crowd.
"Wesley Clark is not really a Democrat!"
"I am too! You're a doody head!"
"You take that back!"
Suddenly a vortex emerged at the center of the stage. From it emerged a giant figure in black armor with glowing red eyes. "I am O'Yama, eater of souls and registered Democrat!" he screamed, lighting bursting about him and the entire auditorium shaking at the sound of his voice. "I will plunge the world into eternal darkness, raining blood upon the land, all funded by taxing the top one percent who are not paying their fair share!"
The audience applauded.
"I'm sorry," said the moderator, "but you can't just materialize in the debate like this."
"Your soul is mine!" O'Yama yelled, and a beam emerged from his fingertips. Soon the moderator was reduced to nothing but a skeleton.
"Well, I welcome any Democrat to the debate," Sen. Joe Liberman said, "but I'm not sure that eternal darkness is the direction we want to take the country in."
"Quiet, moderate fool!" O'Yama screeched, launching a fireball at Liberman. It exploded the Senator right off the stage. "I will wreak death, vengeance, and a progressive agenda upon the world, and no one can stop me! And I have been a Democrat since before time began... unlike a certain General in our midst."
"Hey! That's a cheap shot!" Wesley Clark protested.
"Quiet, or suffer for all eternity!" O'Yama threatened, "Only I can defeat George Bush! And when I do, his soul will be mine!"
There was a standing ovation in response as O'Yama's evil laughter echoed through the chamber.
* * * *
"Bush! Bush!" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan yelled as he ran into the Oval Office. "There's a new Democrat who's entered the race for the presidency!"
"Who is it now?" Bush asked with annoyance.
"An evil demon that vows to destroy the world and eat your soul!"
Bush jumped out of his chair in surprise. "But Hillary promised she wouldn't run for the presidency!"
"He speaks of O'Yama, Eater of Souls," Zatoichi, Bush's blind samurai Secret Service agent, uttered, "An ancient evil."
"That sounds bad," Bush declared.
Scott turned on the T.V. to a news station. "O'Yama, having just entered the race, is already polling as the front-runner," said the anchorman. "Apparently Democrats are warming up to him because of his left-leaning politics and how his vow to slaughter all humanity doesn't leave him as vulnerable to attacks about being weak on national security."
The screen then showed O'Yama, eyes glowing red with evil, giving a speech before a crowd of reporters. "When I am president, the oceans will boil, the cities will be destroyed in fire, and there will be universal health care!"
"What!" Bush exclaimed as he watched the television, "A universal health care plan could be harmful!"
"Why have you waited until now to enter the race?" a reporter asked O'Yama.
"Long ago, I was imprisoned within the void," O'Yama explained, "but the collective hatred for Bush has given me strength to break those seal and once again spread my evil and leftist politics across the world. In a way, you can say the Democratic faithfuls drafted me."
The O'Yama supporters in attendance cheered while the ancient demon laughed a spine-chilling laugh as the clouds above darkened and lightning struck about him.
The T.V. then showed a reporter interviewing an O'Yama supporter. "Does his being an evil demon concern you?"
"At least he's better than Bush," the young man answered, "Who's like Hitler because of... stuff and uh... Bush lies like when... he said... things... Go O'Yama!"
"Sounds like the Democrat base of barely coherent idiots is behind him," Karl Rove said as he emerged from the shadows.
"So do you think he'll have a chance of beating Howard Dean in New Hampshire?" Bush asked.
"We cannot wait to find out!" Ichi exclaimed, "You must slay him now!"
"Hey, I'm not slaying anyone," Bush stated, "Best not to attack any of the Democrats until the primary is over. Isn't that right, Rover?"
"The destruction of the world could go against our partisan goals," Karl Rove said, "Perhaps this problem should be handled now."
"Fine," Bush said, "I'll get my .45 and then it's one dead ancient demon."
"No man made weapon can defeat O'Yama," Ichi said, "You must find a hidden cave in the mountains of Japan and obtain the enchanted katana known as Crat-Cutter. Only with that can you send O'Yama back to the void."
"Okay, Scott, go fetch me that sword," Bush ordered.
"It can only be wielded by the leader of the free-world," Ichi said, "You must go yourself, Bush-san."
"Fine," Bush moaned, "Every time I'm getting ready to settle in for a restful weekend, I have to go on some mystic quest to Japan."
* * * *
"Why do I have to carry everything," Scott asked as he trekked in the snow behind Bush.
"Because you're the sherpa," Bush answered, poking Scott in the belly with his walking stick.
"Stop doing that!" Scott yelled, "And who is answering press questions while I'm gone?"
"I told Rumsfeld to cover for you."
* * * *
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he strangled a reporter.
* * * *
"Are you sure that's a wise decision?" Scott asked.
Bush rolled his eyes. "When was the last time I made a wise decision?" He surveyed the landscape. "Now where is this hidden cave?"
"Well... it's hidden," Scott answered, "Zatoichi said destiny would lead us to it."
"But how long is that going to take?" Bush complained, "What if a yeti or a wampa gets us first? And do you see any steakhouses nearby, because I'm hungry."
"I'm pretty sure we're in the middle of nowhere," Scott answered.
Bush looked around. "Aieeee! Snow monkey!" he exclaimed, and then leapt to the ground.
"That's just a rock," Scott said, and then noticed Bush was gone. "Where are..." he started to say, but then fell down a hole. Once he got off the ground, he saw Bush sitting there looking quite annoyed.
"Just our luck to stumble into some sort of... hidden cave," Bush grumbled, "Now we'll never find that steakhouse we were questing for."
"We're looking for the Crat-Cutter, remember?" Scott said.
Bush slapped his forehead. "Oh yeah; ancient, magical sword." He then noticed an old Asian man with a long white beard standing nearby. "Who are you?"
"I am the keeper of the sword you seek," the old man responded.
"Cool," Bush said and then held out his hands. "Gimme gimme gimme!"
"Before you can take the sword," the old man stated, "You must first pass a series of tests that will try your strength, your will, and your wit."
Bush considered this. "Ben Franklin says I get the sword now," Bush said, holding out a one hundred dollar bill.
The old man snatched the bill in a blink of an eye. "You have passed the tests," he pronounced, and then bowed as he handed the ancient sword to Bush.
"Kickass!" Bush exclaimed as he accepted the sword.
"Well, that could have gone a lot worse," Scott declared as he began to look for an exit to the cave.
"Yeppers," Bush answered as he put the sword in his belt. "Here's your wallet back, by the way."
* * * *
"Another debate between the Democrats seeking the presidential nomination is scheduled for a week from now," the anchorman said, "Pundits are expecting attacks against O'Yama since he is now the front-runner in the polls. O'Yama is expected to respond by destroying the city with giant hail stones."
"Should be an exciting debate," said the anchorwoman, "and now we go live to Iraq to hear from Iraqis exactly how they are affected by the accusations against Kobe Bryant..."
* * * *
At his campaign headquarters, O'Yama, eater of souls and Democratic presidential candidate, sat at his throne and contemplated the destruction he would soon unleash across the world. A lone figure then entered his chamber.
"Announce yourself!" O'Yama demanded, standing to his full height of over nine feet not counting the horns that protruded from his dark helm.
"I'm Terry McAuliffe, the DNC Chairman," McAuliffe said, "I just want to see if you're a team player unlike a certain Governor Howard Dean whom I won't mention."
"Ask your questions quickly before I become annoyed," O'Yama answered, his voice subdued but still threatening.
"So... what's your view on abortion?"
O'Yama clenched his fist and held it up in a threatening manner. "I'm for the killing of all things!"
"Supports a woman's right to choose," McAuliffe said to himself as he wrote in a notepad. He looked back to O'Yama. "What are your views on the war in Iraq?"
O'Yama chuckled, his laughter so cold as to chill one's soul. "Saddam's torture of his citizens pleased me. I would not have stopped him."
"Against Bush's unilateral action in Iraq," McAuliffe said as he continued to write in his notepad. "So what do you think of affirmative action."
O'Yama's eyes glowed a fiery red and then he stated in a ferocious voice, "Mend it; don't end it."
"Great, great," McAuliffe said smiling, "Now, one more question: Under that evil looking armor you have on… you wouldn't happen to be a minority, would you?"
"I have grown weary of you," O'Yama announced. He then shot a fireball from his hands which knocked McAuliffe backwards, sending the man crashing through a window. He then fell three stories to the pavement below.
Helping McAuliffe to his feet were Bill and Hillary Clinton. "So how'd it go?" Bill Clinton asked.
McAuliffe brushed off his suit. "I think we can work with him."
* * * *
Bush held his sword into the air. "By the power of Grayskull... I... have... the... POWER!!"
"I don't think it works that way," Scott McClellan commented.
"Maybe it works this way," Bush said, and then smacked Scott in the face with the flat of the sword.
"Ow!" Scott yelled, "Why do you keep doing that?"
Bush rolled his eyes. "Because you yelping in pain is funny; do I need to write you a thesis or something?" Bush looked at his enchanted sword, the Crat-Cutter. "Maybe I can unlock its secret if I hold it higher." He prepared to power up. "Thundercats... HO!!!" he yelled as he plunged the sword skyward, accidentally stabbing the ceiling.
"George!" Laura Bush yelled, "What did I say about using swords in the house?"
Bush quickly concealed the sword behind him. "Uh... be really careful when I do it."
"No, I said never in the house and you know that," Laura said sternly, "If your going to play samurai, you do it in the backyard under the supervision of that nice Asian man."
"But Zatoichi's blind."
"And yet he doesn't cut up the house with his sword."
"Alright," Bush answered, and then looked to Scott. "You better go take over your press duties from Rumsfeld."
"Okay, but I just like you to know, Bush," Scott said sincerely," that I have faith in you and that you can save the world from the wrath O'Yama."
"Thanks, that means a lot," Bush answered, "I and I have something to tell you too." He then whacked Scott in the face again with the flat of his sword.
"Ow!" Scott yelled and then ran off.
"I think I'm taking that sword away from you," Laura said, approaching Bush.
"Stop, foolish woman," Karl Rove uttered as he emerged from the shadows, "Bush must train to use that sword to slay the evil demon O'Yama or the world will be destroyed thus causing the Republicans to lose Congress and the Whitehouse."
"Fine," Laura grumbled as she walked away, "I'll get some ice ready to put his finger in when we rush George to the hospital to have it reattached."
"Your training begins now," Zatoichi announced, standing by the door to the backyard.
"Talk to you later, Rover," Bush said, "I'm going to be a samurai."
"May the ancients of the Republican party guide you to victory," Karl Rove said before disappearing back into the shadows.
Bush went out into the yard with Ichi. He then swung the sword around. "How are you going to tell if I'm doing it right if you can't see?" Bush asked.
"From the sound of your sword swing, Bush-san, I can tell you are holding it backwards," Ichi said, "Remember: Blade faces the enemy."
Bush rotated the sword in his hands. "This katana is complicated," Bush complained, "So how do I use it's magical powers?"
"The magic comes from your heart," Ichi answered, "The sword will strike true if you wield it with honor, truth, and justice."
"Can I wear a cowboy hat when I do it?" Bush asked excitedly.
Ichi sighed. "Yes, you can wear a cowboy hat."
"Yee-ha!" Bush exclaimed, "I'm gonna give that O'Yama a samurai sword slaying... Texan style!"
* * * *
"No more breathing for you!" Rumsfeld yelled as he squeezed the neck of a reporter.
"You can stop strangling people," Scott told Rumsfeld, "I'm taking back the press conferences."
"Fine," Rumsfeld said, releasing the reporter, "My arthritis is starting to act up."
"Any questions from anyone not strangled?" Scott asked as he took the podium.
"How do you respond to reports that Bush went on some mystic quest to Japan?"
Scott gave a forced chuckled. "Why is it every time Bush disappears without notice for a few days it's assumed he's on some 'mystic quest'?"
"People are saying he's gained a legendary sword in Japan to slay the Democratic presidential hopeful O'Yama, Eater of Souls," said another reporter.
"How can you jump to conclusions like that?" Scott responded, "How do you know he didn't go to India to get a magic spear to slay John Edwards?"
"Well, O'Yama is the frontrunner, and thus he would have more motivation to slay him."
Scott shook his head. "You people always assume the most partisan reasons for everything."
"So why has Bush been seen practicing with a katana on the White House lawn?" asked one reporter.
Scott shrugged his shoulders. "He's always practices with various Asian weaponry; that doesn't mean anything."
"So, in the upcoming debate, are you going to guarantee that Bush will not slay any of the ten presidential hopefuls?"
"I think I've made things clear on that issue," Scott answered, visibly sweating, "Doesn't anyone want to talk about the 'quagmire' in Iraq?"
* * * *
"There are some new rules for this debate," the moderator said, "We're going to be more strict about opening and closing remark lengths, please no applause or other interruptions from the audience during the debate, and no eating the soul of the moderator." The moderator took a careful glance to O'Yama. "I'm not trying to single anyone out, but those are the rules. We'll now start with the opening remarks, and, by random draw, the first one will be from Representative Dennis Kucinich."
"Thank you," Kucinich said, "I just like to say that I will be the candidate of peace. One of my first acts will be to make a Department of Peace that will stop wars and continue the fight against mind controlling space lasers. In fact..."
"Quiet impotent fool!" O'Yama screamed as he aimed his hand at Kucinich. Lightning then shot from O'Yama's fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.
"It's not your turn to speak, O'Yama," the moderator said gently, "We need to respect each other's time and not zap each other."
"You will not tell me what to do, insignificant bug!" O'Yama yelled, his eyes glowing with an even brighter fire as he once again aimed his hand and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.
"I'm sorry to say, but I guess this is what we can expect from O'Yama," John Kerry said, "I guess he's too afraid to let others speak."
"How dare you say that to me, you haughty French-looking Senator from Massachusetts who, by the way, served in Vietnam!" O'Yama shouted, his anger shaking the auditorium, "You will pay for your impudence!" He aimed his hand and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.
"I... cede... the rest... of my... time..." Kucinich uttered as he lay on the ground.
"O'Yama, you are next," the moderator said.
"Long I have waited in the void, dreaming up the destruction of the world and progressive policies that will curb the might of corporations. When elected, I will bring death, misery, and increased pay for teachers. Finally, the streets will run red with blood, evil will rule the day, and there will be an affordable prescription drug plan for the masses. Fire and lava will consume the land, all with the multilateral support of the U.N. And, not only will I undo the ruinous policies of George W. Bush, I WILL EAT HIS SOUL!"
The entire audience erupted into applause.
"Please, quiet," the moderator warned, "No applauding during the debate."
The applause all stopped except for one clapping slowly at the back of the room. Everyone turned to see a man in a cowboy hat.
"Nice speech O'Yama," President Bush said. He then drew the Crat-Cutter. "Now I'm gonna cut you good!"
"Boo!" the Democrat audience yelled.
"You're worse than Hitler!" screeched one next to Bush.
"Would Hitler be nice enough to teach you some Japanese?" Bush asked the man. "This is called the 'kashira'." He then struck the man in the head with the hilt of his sword.
"Foolish mortal!" O'Yama yelled, "How dare you try and stand up to my might. Witness my power." O'Yama now held out both hands, lightning shooting from all his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.
"You can zap Dennis all you want," Bush responded, "but you won't intimidate me!"
"Then try handling this!" O'Yama said as he threw a fireball at Bush. With a swift swipe of his sword, Bush cut the fireball in two, setting people in the audience on fire to each side of him.
"Ha! Ha! You set your own supporters on fire!" Bush mocked.
"We will settle this one on one!" O'Yama shouted, drawing a giant katana that glowed red.
Bush charged the stage and clashed with O'Yama, the other Democrat presidential candidates fleeing for cover. Bush was quick, but O'Yama was powerful, Bush blocking one of his swings only to be knocked backwards. Bush rolled back to his feet and persisted, coming at O'Yama with a quick series of swings. O'Yama easily deflected them, and then attacked. Bush was two slow, and took a cut to his side.
"Ow!" Bush yelled as he stumbled backwards and fell on to his back, "Zatoichi never told me swords hurt so much!"
O'Yama laughed evilly as he slowly approached the prone Bush. "Now your soul will be mine!"
Bush began to panic, and thus he tried to remember what Zatoichi told him at the end of his training. You are an idiot. You will probably lose. I am going to find a bomb shelter to hide in. echoed in Bush's head. "Guess it's up to my Texan know-how," Bush said to himself.
O'Yama posed over Bush, holding his sword over his head to deliver the final blow. Before, O'Yama could, though, Bush sent a quick kick to his groin.
"Arggh!" O'Yama yelled as he crumpled over in pain, "Why did I listen to my political advisor and not wear the codpiece to the debate?"
Bush sprung back to his feet, and, with a quick swing, severed O'Yama's lowered head. Instantly O'Yama's body was consumed in a black flame as he disappeared back into the void.
"I saved the world!" Bush exclaimed as he waved his sword around and danced a jig.
The Democrats in the audience all booed.
"I'd like to be the first to condemn this blatant, partisan attack," Representative Richard Gephardt said.
"It was racist too," declared Al Sharpton, "Though I haven't figured out exactly why yet... but I will!"
"Warmonger!" yelled an audience member as the rest continued to boo.
Bush ceremoniously sheathed his sword. "Ah, shut up, you whiny little *****es."
The above tale was not written by me. I copied it off of IMAO.us
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