[en]Jokes of any length!

[Traveller]

Things actually said in court, word for word...

Q:What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!i
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"

[Traveller]

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

*****


FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs, long legs who owns a liquor store and a Ferrari.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[Dobber]

Clinton joke!

Chelsea was home from college for the weekend, and Hillary was asking her about school. Hillary asked if there were any boys there and Chelsea nodded yes enthusiastically. Hillary then asked her if she had gotten to know any of them, to which Chelsea smiled mischieviously as she answered yes.
Hillary became very curious and asked "Was she doing 'anything' with them?", to which Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad!".

[Kdar]

Installing love
This is an old classic software joke

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install
Love. Can you guide me though the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do
I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located
your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ?


Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory
but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually
override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem.
However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment
have been completelyerased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the
base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to
get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -
Program not run on external components " What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up
to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.


Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on
the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge
your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart"
directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose
Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and
never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new
files. Smile
is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are
copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile,
but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is
installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be
sure to give it
and its various modules to everyone you meet. They
will in turn share
it with others and return some cool modules back to
you.
Customer: Thank you, God.

Please forward this email to every one you know. If you delete it is
okay,
God's love is not based on emails

[Traveller]

Let's see to how many things you'd answer with "yes":

1. You enter your PIN code in your microwave without noticing.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards since years.
3. You can't find your car on the parking lot anymore without calling it with the alarm.
4. Your grandma's talking more about Esmeralda and Rich than about her own children.
5. You know more about the problems of Brad Pitt than about those of your own brother.
6. You hear on the news that 50 people were blown up and you change the channel because it's nothing new.
7. You take off your shoes before you enter... the plane.
8. You have a list with 15 phone numbers to call your 3-member family.
10. Man's best friend is no longer the dog, but the cell phone.
11. You call yourself every morning... to find your cell phone.
12. You feel bad that you can't also call your TV remote controller when it disappears.
13. You wonder to what direction should you put your furniture in the rooms where there's no TV.
14. You haven't memorized anyone's phone number, not even yours, because they're all on your cell phone.
15. Forgetting your cell phone home is a tragedy. The only worse thing is to lose it!
16. Your children play soccer every day... in front of the computer.
17. Your 10 year old nephew can't talk well, be he can chat on the net perfectly.
18. Your 10 year old nephew types faster than he talks.
19. You're not modern, if you're above 20 and you haven't slept with someone of your own sex.
20. If you're on a teenager's party, you can pee everywhere, but not in the toilet. It's only for sex.
21. Most people born after 1990 have already made more sex than you have.
22. If you listen to songs, whose lyrics have some sense, you're either too old or too gay.
23. The price of square metre in the centre of your capital city is lower than the price of square centimetre in your favourite website.
24. You've set a password on your file with passwords.
25. You're sending e-mails to your colleague in the next room.
26. As a reason not to keep contact with friends and relatives you point out that they have no e-mails.
27. You check your e-mail 5 times a day, but you have no time to speak with your mother more than once a week.
28. If you don't receive mail at home for more than a week, you feel neglected, although you usually receive only stupid ads. But if you don't receive any e-mail for more than a day or two, you begin to miss even spam mail.
29. You hate to write with pen because it has no spell check.
30. You use your phone more for writing than for talking.
31. You're complaining that your cell phone has no "copy" - "paste".
32. You bought yourself a digital camera to make all the pictures you want and now you have so many that you have no time to look at them.
33. You stop with the car in front of home and you use your cell phone to check if someone's home to help you with the groceries.
34. You're angry at your friends for being late with 5 minutes without calling you on the cell phone.
35. Your children don't want to eat food, which hasn't yet danced on TV.
36. You get up in the morning and enter Internet even before you go to the kitchen and make some coffee.
37. The more you plan your time, the less you have from it.
38. You place smileys even if you write with a pen.
39. You incline your head at one side when you smile.
40. You read this and nod your head, and smile.
41. Even worse, you know exactly to who would you send this.
42. You're too busy to notice that number 9 is missing from this list.
43. You even go back to see if number 9 is really missing.
44. And now you smile.

[Traveller]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

[NaVatar]

A madame of a barony tells her butler named Charles to come up to her room.

"Charles. I want you to take of my dress"
"Yes, Madame"
"Now, take of my bra"
"Yes, Madame"
"Now take of my panties"
"Yes, Madame"
"Good. And if I ever catch you wearing these clothes again there will be hell to pay"

:rolleyes:

[WalkerBoh]

Did You know it?

98% of drug sniffer dogs are addicted to cocaine

[FrankishHero]

Today's Joke:

WalkerBoh's sense of humour! :wink:

[NaVatar]

This man takes his job VERY seriously:

Jimmy's Shoe repairs
I will heel you!
I will save your sole!
I will even dye for you!
-------------------------

:biggrin:

[FrankishHero]

The worst pick-up line ever:

"Are you an angel?"
"..."
"Cause you look like you've been dead for years..."

[Traveller]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and ****ing on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them -

"The second most important quality is "Observation'". "I stuck my middle finger in, and ****ed on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."

[DJ Marks]

You heard about the guy needed a new brain? He started looking at the samples sitting in their jars.
"How much for that one?" he asked.
"Oh, that one is 6 million." the doctor replied.
"What! That is unbelievable, why so much?" the man replied.
"It was from a heart surgeon who was very healthy, religious and moral."
"OK, then how much for that one over there?" the man asked.
"2 million."
"I can't believe that , look, it has some flaky parts, shady and bruised."
"Well, that one is a fine specimen of a lawyer who made a decent living, and only cheated on his wife, taxes and at cards."
Well the man was beside himself. Finally he found a moth eaten, tattered little brain about the size of a walnut sitting in a jar of alcohol. "How much for that one?"
" 30 billion. " the doctor replied calmly.
"Why? It is the worst example and in horrible shape!"
The Doctor looked at the man and said,"It came from a rock climber."
"So, why so much?"
The Doctor said, "Do you have any idea how many climbers we had to go through before we found one with a brain?"

[Traveller]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

===

A man in Wales buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn!"

===

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"


It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it
by several remarks -- usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! It's oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!"

===

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

===

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk"There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

===

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

===

A police officer noticed a car swerving all over the road. He stopped the car and asked the driver to get out of his car. "Could you please blow into this breathalyzer." "I can't," replied the man, "I'm asthmatic."

"Could you please give me a urine sample then?" asked the officer. "I can't do that. I'm diabetic." the man replied.

"In that case, can I have your blood sample?" asked the officer. "I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac."

"That leaves one option." said the officer, "Could you please walk along this yellow line." "I can't do that either." said the man. "Why not?" asked the officer. "I'm drunk."

===

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears "Hey Jimmy, I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

===

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in.
"The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!"

[Dobber]

Did you hear about the nun that was chasing the streaker through the chapel? She caught him by the organ!

[Rnett]

Speaking of streakers:silly: , when Yogi Berra was managing the Mets a bunch of streakers jumped onto the field during the game and were eventually tackled down and dragged off. After the game the press asked Yogi about the incident and then someone asked him if they were male or female and his reply was " How the hell would I know, they had bags over their heads.":cheers:

[Dobber]

Speaking of streakers:silly: , when Yogi Berra was managing the Mets a bunch of streakers jumped onto the field during the game and were eventually tackled down and dragged off. After the game the press asked Yogi about the incident and then someone asked him if they were male or female and his reply was " How the hell would I know, they had bags over their heads.":cheers:

:rofl:
Only Yogi, nobody else but Yogi could pull off that statement!

[Dobber]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[RobinBanks]

A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy
Darn, there go the lights again...
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
What do you mean, he's not insured?
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

-------------------------------

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

[RobinBanks]

(I got this first piece out of the local paper.)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English.”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k.” This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf 20-percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the fourth yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “the” with “z” and “w” with “v.”

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be droped from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil have a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand eah oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.


(And then . . . .)

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?