View Full Version : [en]Jokes of any length!
To alleviate stress of long jokes being posted in the Short Jokes thread, please let's post our longer jokes here and leave the other thread for just short jokes.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were… You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were
to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They
both found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by
St.Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom
took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to
be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our
wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in
heaven ever wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the
Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks
from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into
the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The
Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and
if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it
again."
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait
another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years
after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord
answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a
beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully. All the guests thought the bride was
beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River.
But, you guessed it. The couple was married but a few weeks when they
realized they had made a horrible mistake. They just couldn't stay married
to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God
Almighty. This time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the
Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said: "Look, it took us ten
years to find a priest in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take
to find a LAWYER?"
Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On
their
wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a
virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten
times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how
great
it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how,
but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never
sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss
him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I
counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her
mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're
blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only
say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good,"
said
her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're
blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls
had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a
pair
of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm
blonde,
mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
Boy and his Girlfriend.
A boy gets a phonecall from his GF*girlfriend* and she says that she wants him to come over and eat dinner and meet her parents, and that afterwards she finally wants to have sex for the first time ever.
So the boy is all joyful, for it is his first time also, but he knows nothing about protection and or sex. So the boy goes to the drug store to get some condoms. He walks up the to pharmacist and asks him a bunch of questions about sex and safety. After all the talk the pharm* asks the boy how many condoms he wants..3 pack 10 pack or family pack. The boy replies "hmm family pack" the pharm* says wow..that many huh..the boy replies yes Im gunna be getting very busy tonight. so the boy leaves to goto his GFs house..he arrives his GF answers the door lets him in and they go sit down at the table..out of nowhere the boy says he will say grace..so he starts..5 mins pass and he doesnt stop...10 mins then at 15 mins the GF stops him and says wow I didnt know you were so religous..the boy replies wow I didnt know your dad was a pharmacist..LOL =D
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize, a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?""
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the ****pit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the ****pit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.
The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."
The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."
The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."
The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."
The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."
Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."
Handsome says, "You're on!"
Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.
The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"
The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."
shagrath_the_dead
20-04-2004, 15:55
its never funny when you enter 'penis' as your password and your computer replies:your password is to short
:D
This one is from bash.org (http://www.bash.org/?255660) :
<ColonelCoroner> Nah, this one's good. Alright, so it was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The Angel at the gate said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
<ColonelCoroner> "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 10th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. I knew she was ****ing some *****, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. I wanted to kill the ****er! So I unplugged my refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 10 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
<ColonelCoroner> The Angel considers this, and let's him in cuz it WAS a bad day....The next dude comes up, and is asked the same question. So the dude replies, "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I was really pushing hard, and I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. I fell and ****ing hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground in shock and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 10 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
<Piro-nuts> rofl...
<ColonelCoroner> So the Angel chuckles, thinks his job is pretty cool, and let's this dude in...the third dude comes up, and again the Angel asks him the same question about how he died. So the dude goes, 'Okay, picture this, I'm hiding in this refrigerator right..."
*For the international friends an "Aggie" is student at Texas A&M University*
A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
My Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Drug dealers vs. Software Developers
1. Drug dealers
2. Software developers
1. Refer to their clients as "users".
2. Refer to their clients as "users".
1. "The first one's free!"
2. "Download a free trial version..."
1. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
2. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
1. Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "E", "Wrap", "The Pigs", "Dime bag", "Hit(LSD)"
2. Strange jargon: "SCSI", "RTFM", "E", "Java", "ISDN", "EPROM", "Hit(WWW)"
1. Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market.
2. Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market.
1. Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
2. Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
1. When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive.
2. When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive.
1. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
2. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
1. A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
2. A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
1. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
2. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
1. Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
2. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D
1. They do their job well, and then can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on them.
2. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
Warning some naughty words may offend,If you are offended by naughty words ,please close your eyes and continue.;)
{well one naughty word anyway}
Subject- Life ****s
A cucumber,a pickle ,and a penis ,were all sitting around one day,talking about how their lives ****ed.
The cucumber said"Man,my life ****s.Whenever I get big,fat,and juicy,someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad.
"So"the pickle loooks at him and says."You think you have it bad?.Whenever I get big,fat,and juicy,someone puts me in vinegar,puts spices on me,and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at them both and said,
"You guys think you have it rough?.Whenever I get big,fat,and juicy,they put a rubber tarp over my head,stick me in a dark room,and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.":D :p :cheers:
HappyAdolf
06-06-2004, 17:10
That's just funny!
But there are kids in the forum!!!!
Ah yes, but they did give warning and kids should heed the warning and click out!
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